Renée Batignani, M.A., Counselor
33 Pratt Street
Glastonbury, CT 06033-1014
Phone 860.430.5999
Are you in an Abusive Relationship?
Many people think an abusive relationship is only when there is physical violence.
Physical abuse is easily recognizable as there are visible scars, cuts, bruises, and broken bones.
Emotional abuse
has no visible scars. All of the
bleeding, bruising and breaking occur internally - to the soul.
Because the damage is invisible, emotional abuse is minimized and
internalized. Often women who are
being emotionally abused will think it’s all in her head. She is on a constant quest to figure out what she did wrong
and blames herself. Her
self-esteem is damaged, and she is on a slippery slope towards depression.
Look over the following
questions. Think about how you are being treated and how you treat your partner.
Remember, when one person scares, hurts or continually puts down the other
person, it’s abuse.
Does your
partner....
q
Embarrass or make fun of you in
front of your friends or family?
q
Put down your accomplishments or
goals?
q
Make you feel like you are unable
to make decisions?
q
Use intimidation or threats to
gain compliance?
q
Tell you that you are nothing
without him/her?
q
Treat you roughly - grab, push,
pinch, shove or hit you?
q
Track your whereabouts by
frequently calling you or showing up unexpectedly?
q
Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse
for saying hurtful things or abusing you?
q
Blame you for how he/she feels or
acts?
q
Pressure you sexually for things
you aren’t ready for?
q
Make you feel like there "is
no way out" of the relationship?
q
Prevent you from doing things you
want - like spending time with your friends or family?
q
Try to keep you from leaving or
abandon you to "teach you a lesson" after an argument?
Do You...
q
Sometimes feel scared of how your
partner will act?
q
Constantly make excuses to other
people for your partner’s behavior?
q
Believe that you can help your
partner change if you change something about yourself?
q
Try not to do anything that would
cause conflict or make your partner angry?
q
Feel like no matter what you do,
your partner is never happy with you?
q
Always do what your partner wants
you to do instead of what you want?
q
Stay with your partner because you
are afraid of what he/she would do if you broke up?
Are
You In An Abusive Relationship?
Read
through the questions and then take a closer look at your relationship. You also
may want to look for patterns by considering past relationships
q
Do you feel like you don't have any power in your relationship?
q
Are you afraid to disagree?
q
Are you afraid of your partner's temper?
q
Are you constantly apologizing for your partner's behavior?
q
Are you justifying everything you do to avoid your partner's anger?
q
Are you being put-down by your partner and then being told that he/she loves
you?
q
Are you being told not to see your friends and family?
q
Are you being told what to do?
q
Are you being forced or pressured to have sex?
q
Are you afraid to say "no" to sex?
q
Are you afraid to break up?
q
Is your partner saying he/she can't live without you?
q
Is your partner jealous and possessive toward you?
q
Does your partner try to control you?
q
Does your partner abuse alcohol or other drugs and/or pressure you to take
them?
q
Does your partner blame you when he/she mistreats you?
q
Does your partner have a history of bad relationships and blaming the
other person for all of his/her problems?
q
Does your partner believe he/she should be in control all of the time?
q
Have your friends and/or family warned you about the person or told you
they were worried for your safety?
q
Has your partner hit, kicked or shoved you or thrown things at you?
q
Have you been wrongly accused of flirting or having sex with someone else?
q
Do you feel like you can't do anything without your partner's permission?
q
Does he/she tell you that he/she wants you all to himself/herself and not let you do
anything on your own?
Essential Ingredients For A Healthy Relationship
What is your healthy relationship score?
For
each of the eight categories below, rate your
relationship from 0-10,
| __________ |
Negotiation
and Fairness Each
partner seeks mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict. They accept
change and are willing to compromise. |
| __________ |
Non-threatening
Behavior Each
person talks and behaves so that his/her partner feels comfortable and
safe expressing him/herself |
| __________ |
Respect Couples
will value each other's opinions, listen to each other non-judgmentally,
and provide emotional affirmation and understanding. |
| __________ |
Trust and
Support Each
partner supports the other's life goals, and respects their rights to
their own feelings, friends, activities, and opinions. |
| __________ |
Honesty and Accountability Each partner takes responsibility for him/herself and communicates openly and truthfully.
|
| __________ |
Gender Equality The
relationship decisions are based on individual needs rather than gender.
|
| __________ |
Shared Responsibility There is
mutual agreement on a fair distribution of work and decision-making.
|
| __________ |
Economic Partnership Money decisions are made
together, and both partners benefit from financial agreements.
|
|
|
TOTAL SCORE |
70-80 Great, it looks
like you've got a good thing going. Shoot for 10's in every category!
60-69
You're doing fairly well, but there are definitely areas that could use
some improvement.
Target the categories with the lowest scores, and try to identify with your
partner ways in which you both can improve your health relationship score!
40-59
You might want to evaluate your needs and desires in this relationship.
Consider seeing a counselor, if both partners are willing to look at changing
for the better.
< 40 There is a serious imbalance of power in this relationship. If it continues like this, it can be very psychologically damaging to the partner who is being controlled. Continue to read more about domestic and dating violence.